What he's buying when he buys you a drink

There's a regular at my bar, let's call him Bob for the sake of this post, and he is in his (I'm guessing)early 60's, he's white, and is totally loaded. When Bob sees a girl (usually in their early 20's) at the bar alone or even two girls at the bar together, he will buy them a round of drinks... and then, after waiting a few minutes, will get up and go sit next to them and strike up a conversation. I have watched him do this countless times. Now, Bob is relatively harmless, presumably non threatening, and, well, nice enough guy... so what's the problem?

Well, it's very simple really, Bob is a sexist creep. Let me explain. Last night, Bob came in and there were these two girls (early 20's, black) sitting at the end of the bar and he say's to me "I'd like to buy those girls their first pitcher (of margarita's)." So, of course, I do this, and then he says "I want to make friends with them so that my girlfriend will have friends that are like her when she moves here.. you know the same color." HOLY RACISM!!!!! [Back story: Bob has a 21 year old girlfriend who is of color and is moving here to be with him. More back story, she recently stole thousands and thousands of dollars from him but they've since resolved the issue.] Bob then gets up and plops himself next to these girls, totally interrupting them and strikes up a conversation. The girls, being polite, engaged with him for the next hour, before he left.

There are so many levels to fucked-up-ness to this, it's hard to know where to even start. Let me just scratch the surface. For starters, there is the fact that Bob believes that because these girls and his girlfriend are the same color that they're going to be bff's and have lots in common.... there is Bob's oversexualization of black women (which is evident to me just from talking to him, but probably not very evident in this post, sorry).... And then there is the fact that Bob sees women as property and has the money to buy it. I would like to focus on the later.

When dude at the bar buys you a drink... what is he buying? He is buying you. At a pretty low price... and in Bobs case last night, it was happy hour, so it was half the price. It's one thing to buy a drink for someone, wave, and hope they come and talk to you (news flash: they probably wont, but it's still a nice gesture)... it is entirely something else when you buy someone a drink and then go plop yourself down with them. It goes down to the basic sexist concept of women as property or to the idea that women were put on this Earth for mans entertainment. You might be thinking, well, if the woman doesn't want the mans attention she could just say thanks for the drink and ask him to leave. But, ya see, women have been socialized to smile and be gracious and that guy knows it. He knows that by buying her a drink, she will be obligated to talk to him, because he purchased her. He will purchase her again with another drink. He knows that she now has to perform for him. She has to smile, laugh at his jokes, be non confrontational, gracious, agreeable and appeasing all for the price of a cocktail. Not to mention the fact that the whole time she has to wonder, is this guy going to rape me? The whole time she has to gauge how much of a threat you are while feigning thanks for that stupid fucking beer you just bought her. She did not sign up for any of that when she went to the bar. This, my friends, is fucking intrusive, totally sexist, and totally creepy... especially when as a bartender, I watch you do it ALL the time. That makes you kind of a predator.

And while I'm on the subject dudes....other things that are creepy: Hitting on your bartender. She can't move! She's stuck behind that bar... stuck with you being a total creep. Not only that, she has to be nice to you! You pay her rent essentially and she has to (I repeat) smile, laugh at your jokes, be non confrontational, gracious, agreeable and appeasing. We had a bartender, that when she came into work, if she saw Bob sitting at one bar, she would work the other bar, because she didn't want to be subjected to him hitting on her all night and attempting to lore her in by talking about how much money he has. We get it Bob, you are old and need some young "arm candy" and you think women are property that you can purchase if the price is right.

But anyway, The moral of the story is: Stop being a total sexist creep. If you want to buy a woman a drink, that's totally cool! Just wave and hope that she approaches you. Or, I've got a novel idea! How about you ASK her! A little "excuse me, may I buy you a drink?" may be more effective. It also gives her a chance to say no. And don't forget to tip your bartender. duh.

On being called militant

There have been many different times in my life that I've been called militant. Last night was one of those times. It used to really offend me because of what it implies... because of the image your brain instantly conjures up of the man-hating fat ugly dyke. It makes me think of that drawing in "Chasing Amy." You remember the scene... it went like this:



Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination! (taken from IMDB)

So, yeah... along time ago, I was sensitive to being called militant or a dyke or man-hating. Let's examine why, shall we?

Let us first look at the definition of militant. Dictionary.com defines it as:
Mil-i-tant /ˈmɪlɪtənt/ Show Spelled[mil-i-tuhnt]

–adjective

1.vigorously active and aggressive, esp. in support of a cause: militant reformers.

2.engaged in warfare; fighting.

–noun

3.a militant person.

4.a person engaged in warfare or combat.

—Synonyms
1. belligerent, combative, contentious. See fanatic

You know whats funny? I don't think I've ever heard a guy called militant... not even one "engaged in warfare or combat." I've only ever heard women called militant. I've also only ever heard women called militant by men. Moreover, I've only ever heard women called militant by men when they are trying to speak their mind, or stand up for themselves, or exhibit any other form of mildly aggressive behavior that could be viewed as threatening to the delicate and fragile male ego. Why you ask? Well, because, from what I understand, the general consensus is that women are not allowed to have opinions.... or a voice... or take up too much space... When they do, what happens? They're called a bitch or a cunt. If they do this in opposition to men, they are called a dyke. They are called man-hating. They are called militant. There are so many names to call women when they exhibit any sort of masculine behavior. Men get praised for their opinions and their assertiveness. They get financially rewarded! They become C.E.O's of major corporations! Women are laughed at and assumed to be "on their period." They're just being "belligerent" or "combative." If a woman lives their life as a lesbian, they are doing an inherently anti-man act.... which men find terribly threatening. They believe, much like Banky, that the male friendly lesbian doesn't exist. In his drawings you can see that a lesbian can't be what our culture defines as feminine (hello femme invisibility). This is enforced over and over and over again through countless mediums. Therefore, if a woman exerts any "agressive" behavior or is a self proclaimed feminist, she's assumed to be a dyke. This is because society at large can't wrap their tiny little brains around women performing any act that can be viewed as anti-man so they must find ways to tear them down. Language and name calling is the first way and because each word has been reinforced with an ugly image, my feelings are supposed to be hurt. This is because I am supposed to want to be feminine. I'm supposed to want to be passive and submissive and quiet because then I'll be prettier.

So, I'm reclaiming militant. Damn right I'm militant. I'm strong and vocal. I have thoughts and opinions and I share them. I'm totally combative! Thanks for noticing! I'm also a bitch, a cunt, a dyke, and ya know what? Sometimes, I can be man-friendly and sometimes I can be man-hating. And if I don't say so myself, I'm still kinda pretty. What do you think about them apples?