City of Brotherly you shouldn't have been walking alone

There has been a lot of crime recently... like a lot, especially in the neighborhood I work in (and I'm sure plenty in other areas... this just happens to be the neighborhood I hear about all the time). From the totally horrendous Sabina Rose O'Donnell Case to another young girl who went missing and was found dead having been murdered by her boyfriend, to shootings and muggings, and to flash mob beatings. It's intense and it's scary and it's talked about a lot at the bar I work at... and I think it should be talked about. I think it's important to know what's going on in your community. The one thing that really gets to me, though, is the amount of victim blaming I hear. It makes me so angry I want to hit someone in the head and tell them they were asking for it. But I don't, because ultimately it wouldn't be their fault if I hit them because I could have resolved my anger in another way.

So let's talk about victim blaming, shall we? Victim blaming is when people hold the victim partially or fully responsible for the crime or accident committed against them. Written down like this makes it seem silly doesn't it? Like, who would do that?!? Who would blame someone for a crime committed against them? right? People do it all the time and it's gross.

It happens mostly to women, but I'm sure it happens to guys too. I've just only ever heard it when talking about women as victims of a crime. Women are constantly blamed for the crimes against them. Especially when it comes to rape and sexual assault... "she shouldn't have been wearing those heels/skirt," "she was drunk," "she shouldn't have gone to that party alone," insert a million other things people say. Then there are the women who are in abusive domestic situations: "Why didn't she just leave him." Sex workers "shouldn't be sex workers if they don't be raped or killed." THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT! This sort of rationalization trickles down. "She shouldn't have been in that neighborhood at night." (even though she might live in that neighborhood... just like lots of other people... but that's a whole other thing I think). Then there's when guys like to blame women for even being female. "Well, you're a girl,you shouldn't be out at night alone." Am I supposed to stay at home with my shades drawn? Should curfews be placed on women? Is that what you're suggesting? People are always saying things that victims shouldn't have done. But this needs to stop. IT IS NEVER THE VICTIMS FAULT. It doesn't matter what she was wearing. It doesn't matter where she was walking. No one is "asking" for a crime to be committed against them.

I wish I knew why people blame the victims. I don't know if they're just trying prove to themselves that it could never happen to them. "She shouldn't have been walking down that street alone at that hour (insert: I would never do that, so I will never be killed). I really don't know why people do it.. I'm sure someone does. I'm sure there have been books written about it.... but it blows my mind how easily people just say these phrases and don't see how they're blaming the victim. It's so ingrained into society that I've even found myself doing it to some extent. Which is totally fucked. When I found out about how Sabina was raped and murdered, I was terrified because the crime was so random and so violent. She did not know her attacker and that scared the shit out of me. However, I remember thinking when Piazza murders happened the year before "well she had like kilos of cocaine and millions of dollars (insert, I don't have kilos of cocaine and millions of dollars, so I'm safe). That's victim blaming too. She didn't "have it coming to her." She didn't "deserve what she got."

Victim blaming is incredibly harmful to everyone. It's so internalized in our society that 50% of women believe that rape is partially the fault of the victim. Wrap your brains around THAT article! I can't!

This being said, friends, try to travel in groups and take cabs. Be aware of your surroundings. Phone your friends and let them know that you got home o.k. "Safe" doesn't exist but there are things we can do to try to be "safer." And listen, if something does happen to you, it's not your fault and I'm never going to make you feel like it is... and I'll be damned if I let anyone else do that either.

What he's buying when he buys you a drink

There's a regular at my bar, let's call him Bob for the sake of this post, and he is in his (I'm guessing)early 60's, he's white, and is totally loaded. When Bob sees a girl (usually in their early 20's) at the bar alone or even two girls at the bar together, he will buy them a round of drinks... and then, after waiting a few minutes, will get up and go sit next to them and strike up a conversation. I have watched him do this countless times. Now, Bob is relatively harmless, presumably non threatening, and, well, nice enough guy... so what's the problem?

Well, it's very simple really, Bob is a sexist creep. Let me explain. Last night, Bob came in and there were these two girls (early 20's, black) sitting at the end of the bar and he say's to me "I'd like to buy those girls their first pitcher (of margarita's)." So, of course, I do this, and then he says "I want to make friends with them so that my girlfriend will have friends that are like her when she moves here.. you know the same color." HOLY RACISM!!!!! [Back story: Bob has a 21 year old girlfriend who is of color and is moving here to be with him. More back story, she recently stole thousands and thousands of dollars from him but they've since resolved the issue.] Bob then gets up and plops himself next to these girls, totally interrupting them and strikes up a conversation. The girls, being polite, engaged with him for the next hour, before he left.

There are so many levels to fucked-up-ness to this, it's hard to know where to even start. Let me just scratch the surface. For starters, there is the fact that Bob believes that because these girls and his girlfriend are the same color that they're going to be bff's and have lots in common.... there is Bob's oversexualization of black women (which is evident to me just from talking to him, but probably not very evident in this post, sorry).... And then there is the fact that Bob sees women as property and has the money to buy it. I would like to focus on the later.

When dude at the bar buys you a drink... what is he buying? He is buying you. At a pretty low price... and in Bobs case last night, it was happy hour, so it was half the price. It's one thing to buy a drink for someone, wave, and hope they come and talk to you (news flash: they probably wont, but it's still a nice gesture)... it is entirely something else when you buy someone a drink and then go plop yourself down with them. It goes down to the basic sexist concept of women as property or to the idea that women were put on this Earth for mans entertainment. You might be thinking, well, if the woman doesn't want the mans attention she could just say thanks for the drink and ask him to leave. But, ya see, women have been socialized to smile and be gracious and that guy knows it. He knows that by buying her a drink, she will be obligated to talk to him, because he purchased her. He will purchase her again with another drink. He knows that she now has to perform for him. She has to smile, laugh at his jokes, be non confrontational, gracious, agreeable and appeasing all for the price of a cocktail. Not to mention the fact that the whole time she has to wonder, is this guy going to rape me? The whole time she has to gauge how much of a threat you are while feigning thanks for that stupid fucking beer you just bought her. She did not sign up for any of that when she went to the bar. This, my friends, is fucking intrusive, totally sexist, and totally creepy... especially when as a bartender, I watch you do it ALL the time. That makes you kind of a predator.

And while I'm on the subject dudes....other things that are creepy: Hitting on your bartender. She can't move! She's stuck behind that bar... stuck with you being a total creep. Not only that, she has to be nice to you! You pay her rent essentially and she has to (I repeat) smile, laugh at your jokes, be non confrontational, gracious, agreeable and appeasing. We had a bartender, that when she came into work, if she saw Bob sitting at one bar, she would work the other bar, because she didn't want to be subjected to him hitting on her all night and attempting to lore her in by talking about how much money he has. We get it Bob, you are old and need some young "arm candy" and you think women are property that you can purchase if the price is right.

But anyway, The moral of the story is: Stop being a total sexist creep. If you want to buy a woman a drink, that's totally cool! Just wave and hope that she approaches you. Or, I've got a novel idea! How about you ASK her! A little "excuse me, may I buy you a drink?" may be more effective. It also gives her a chance to say no. And don't forget to tip your bartender. duh.

Strippers are people too.

So....right now, I'm bartending and saving my pennies to go to grad school in the fall, and as a bartender, I hear some pretty offensive shit, like all the time. Now, I'm not proud of it, but I have to let a lot of things slide because a) I work for tips and b) I would probably get fired if I open my mouth as much as I want to... but last night, I just couldn't help myself.

I was talking to three guys who were basically out looking to meet some ladies and the subject came up of going to a local strip club (Delilah's). Then one guy mentioned that he wouldn't want to go there because they take your phones at the front door. To this I replied, "Duh, so you can't take their pictures." Seems like common sense, no? This sent the guys into a tizzy of ignorant offensive sexist rhetoric. Their basic argument was that, they're strippers, and because they CHOSE to be strippers, they should have no rights? I know, I know... it blew my mind too. They went on and on about how since they're naked they've given up any rights to not be exploited, and that they deserve to be degraded. After all, if they didn't want to be treated that way, they could just not be strippers. This, of course, is my synopsis of their argument... they sounded slightly more like cavemen. So, I decided to check my tip at the door, and I schooled them.

At the core of this argument was the idea that these woman are naked for you, so you should be allowed to take pictures of them. But lets look at the facts, these are woman at work and what you're paying for is entertainment. They're dancing for you, not because you're such a stud cowboy, but because you are paying them. It's like going to the theatre really... you're paying for a performance for a couple of hours. There are laws that say you can't record a play while you're at the theatre, so why should you be allowed to record your adult entertainment? Oh right, because men (and other people too) think all women were put on this Earth as property for the sole purpose of being objectified! She deserves it, after all, look at what she's (not) wearing! And, lets, for a second think about the language behind "taking" a picture or "capturing" an image. Sounds sort of aggressive doesn't it? It implies that the image taker usurped ownership of the image with brute force. I sure don't think that guy at the strip club deserves to "own" a picture of the dancer.

Like I said, these are woman at work and they are just trying to make that money (isn't everyone?). Maybe they're a single parent just trying to pay their heating bill and buy diapers. Maybe they're trying to pull themselves out of generations of poverty. Maybe they didn't have access to an education. Maybe they are escaping a violent and abusive domestic situation. Maybe they ran away from home when they were 16. Maybe they're trying to put themselves through medical school. But the bottom line is, these woman deserve to work in a safe and respectful environment and do not deserve to be exploited, degraded, and demoralized... unless it's on their terms. That's what it really comes down to, I think.... allowing these women to dictate what is and what isn't ok. Working in a space where they can create and maintain safe boundaries. Hopefully these boundaries are dictated by them and not by management.... but that's probably a whole other blog in itself.

This brings me to the ever controversial question: Can stripping be a feminist act? If women are being objectified every second of every day anyway, why not take control of it and make a profit? If living as a female means living a life where your worth is based on predetermined beauty standards, why not reclaim your sexuality on your own terms. Or as a dancer are you hurting feminism by perpetuating harmful standards of beauty and enforcing the notion of women as property. What does it mean when your body is your work / art? I don't know if anyone can say it is or it isn't a feminist act. I think it's personal to each dancer. I guess you have to ask yourself: as an adult entertainer, do you feel empowered or disempowered? Could stripping be a feminist act for me? I think it would be. Actually, it was, the one and only time I performed at a women only amateur strip night. However, I was only able to do it because of the night itself . Would I be able to do it for men? Probably not... but it would certainly be a feminist act if I could! My body and gender presentation don't align with any of the mainstream strip clubs I've ever been to.

But the moral of this story is: strippers (and bartenders!) are people too. So please treat them with respect and tip them adequately for their services. Oh, and in case you were concerned, those guys tipped me really well despite the fact (or maybe because) I called them ignorant assholes.